The Passing of a Dharma Friend ? Ah! Dharma reflections based on ...

By Clemma Dawsen

I?m here to talk to you on behalf of our tiny sangha in rural Vermont and how

together we experienced the teachings of Anyen Rinpoche in a very immediate way as

we shared in the dying of one of our members. It?s our hope that reading this will give

you an idea of how amazing and beautiful and possible it is to die with confidence. We

should all aspire to be surrounded by trusted dharma friends. One of life?s greatest gifts

is to be a dharma friend; if you are asked to be one you should have no doubt as to

your good fortune. As the hours and days passed leading up to Bob?s death, tangible

benefits of each of our particular practices arose spontaneously and we came to a

greater understanding of how important the sangha truly is. No matter how large or

small, no matter the level of expertise of its members, the sangha holds things together.

?

I dedicate the merit of writing this story to Bob?s wife, Sally, who by selflessly

opening her heart as her beloved Bob was dying offered each of us the opportunity

to accrue astoundingly good karma and gain the depth of understanding that can

only come from experience. May she be strengthened and blessed with clear vision

for her future. It?s her wish and ours that continuous benefit radiate in ever widening

circles from our sangha to yours and beyond. On behalf of our sangha, I offer deepest

gratitude to Anyen Rinpoche for first accepting Bob and Sally?s invitation to come to

Vermont, and for supporting us from afar as he traveled to Bodhgaya at the time of

Bob?s passing; and to Ven. Konchog Norbu who committed to Sally in October that he

would return to Vermont to be with Bob in his final days and made good on his promise.

His gentle presence and pure honesty gave us all room to simply be.

?

As one friend wrote from Colorado upon Bob?s passing, ??I am so deeply touched

to see Rinpoche?s vision? for sangha to come together and transform the experience of death-

- happen for Bob and Sally. We may not have all the skills yet, but the compassion and loving

motivation to help is flowing from your hearts. Thank you all so much. Those of you who have

been with Bob and Sally this past week wrote such beautiful poetry about your experience?it

seemed quite magical. You were obviously surrounded with Buddha?s blessings. And Bob gave

us a gift from his heart as well. His practice over the years supported him even when his mental

faculties could not??

?

Bob was diagnosed with Alzheimer?s disease in 2010. By last fall he was failing

fast and yet still eagerly wished to be with Rinpoche and attend Level I Phowa training

in Manchester. Although he did not express it in words, it seems Bob had chosen to

prepare for death. Sally, ever devoted, set out purposefully to see him through.

At the retreat Bob?s open-hearted acceptance of the compassion we showed

toward him opened our hearts to receive his in return. It works that way. Those of us

who knew him, as well as those who traveled from all over the U.S. and Canada to

attend the training were blessed by his company. While he struggled to remember

names and faces, directions and schedules, Bob somehow remained more present

than seemed possible, more present at times than those of us consciously aiming to be.

Whenever I was with him, I understood bodhichitta in a way I never had before.

On the final day of the retreat, each of us came quietly forward with bowed heads

and folded hands to receive Rinpoche?s blessing. When it came time for Bob to step

up, he raised his head and approached Rinpoche with a determined step and an open

smile. Before Rinpoche could extend his colorfully wrapped bamboo staff to bless Bob

with a touch or a tap, Bob reached out with both hands, seized hold of the staff and held

fast. The long moment that followed enveloped us all as we were suspended in pure

dharma. It was as if Rinpoche and Bob formed the center of a great lotus while the rest

of us became in turn its many petals, fanned out in translucent light that could not be

contained by mere walls.

?

It was an image I returned to time and again in the weeks that followed the

retreat as Bob began to fragment into ever more random bits of being. Sally continued

to be his anchor but was at times fraught with despair and exhaustion. At times fearful,

agitated and confused, Bob could also become very angry, or simply seem to disappear

altogether. When he was hospitalized yet again in late December, it seemed logical to

use the time to figure out how to not bring him home this time, to find somewhere to

?place? him. People on all sides encouraged Sally to take this obvious next step. Sally

however, was not so sure. In fact, she was pretty much against it right along.

Over the next couple of weeks, as Sally agonized over what to do we shared

her uncertainty. We continued to meet as a sangha, to offer prayers and dedicate

merit. This was to prove especially crucial during this painful and tumultuous phase of Bob?s

dying. We Westerners are prone to getting into our heads, bypassing our hearts when

decisions have to be made until the balance is so skewed we abandon logic and swing

to the other side, often making rash choices based purely in emotion. Yet the teachings

remind us again and again to maintain mindfulness and discernment so as to balance

the logic of our heads with the loving kindness of our hearts.

?

This is why we take refuge in the sangha. It?s critical that we do this as

practitioners; otherwise confusion will reign, and lead inevitably to more uncertainty and

doubt. Sally needed support for her practice in order to keep her heart open and her

mind clear. The sangha needed to practice together to build confidence in our ability to

be present for Bob and Sally. Our busy lives somehow supported rather than thwarted

our endeavors, dishing up the sort of signs we needed that we were doing it, we were

being mindful, living our practice in the day-to-day, seeing how the dharma permeates

everything and everyone. Instead of falling further into doubt, one day in early January

Sally simply knew what she had to do. She took a leave of absence from work and

brought Bob home to die.

?

What we had talked about for months?the inevitability of Bob?s passing and our

sangha?s role in the process?was suddenly upon us. Sally prepared a room for Bob

based on what Rinpoche?s teachings said would support his passing. A fire burned

gently in the glass-fronted stove at the foot of the bed, candles and flowers adorned

the room and a small shrine upon which she placed photos of Bob?s teachers and other

personal dharma objects stood against the wall. Entering their home, one was met with

profound peace and a sense of everything being in right order and ready for what was

to come.

?

Jan. 16 ?

Sally (in an email to us):

? A soft snow is falling this morning; the wood stove is stoked, sending light and warmth into

the darkened room. I have again awakened with anxiety mixed with peace. I get up each

morning around five or six giving myself time to have coffee and some time alone. I try to sit on

the cushion each morning, either chanting the Heart Sutra or the Meditation on the

Compassionate One. Often my thoughts intrude, and getting down into that deeper state seems

impossible, I practice breathing in and out, feeling my heart pounding in my chest, I then wait to

hear sounds from Bob?s room. Yesterday he stood up by himself and opened the door, the day

before I had to wake him up around 8:30 and when I brought him out into the living room his

legs buckled underneath him. He is taking very little food at this point, preferring smoothies

and liquids; he seems to have lost all interest in solids. He spends a good portion of the day

sleeping. Yesterday and the day before he was only up about three hours each day. He is on very

little meds, whereas before we had him on 7.5 mg of an anti-psychotic twice a day, now I only

give him 3.25 once a day when he begins to get confused and seems a bit agitated. Most of the

?time when he is awake he seems to be very present responding to questions with a clear yes or

no, though he speaks only in a whisper and cannot really form more than a one or two word

sentence. Yesterday the visiting nurse came and has recommended that the

hospice nurse evaluate him. I struggle with my own thoughts of wanting this to be

over quickly, for both of our sakes. I have begun to put together a small team to help me and to

also research the legalities for my wishes to have the body home for 3 days after passing and I

have been assured by a funeral director that this is possible, I wish to make this journey as

seamless as possible and feel the prayers and support of all of you.

?

?Jan 16?

A sangha member replies:

?I am able to confirm what Sally feels certain of, that Bob is far more present than he has been

for months. It?s important to look with our hearts to see it?as Sally said in her note this morning,

Bob doesn?t speak above a whisper and spends a great deal of time whispering to himself and

gazing past us into the world that he can see and we cannot. It?s good to talk directly to him,

to not assume he doesn?t hear us?with our hearts we are able to sense what Bob is seeing and

hearing and it?s very peaceful where he is abiding. We can convey that energy to him when

we speak, or as we sit quietly with him we can send him love and clarity for the path. This is

what I wanted to tell you all, that Bob is in a state of grace right now that?s very good. His

eyes are clear and the lines in his face are gone. Although he is very thin, thinner than ever,

there?s ?more? of him than when I saw him last, he seems fuller, more put together. Sally spends

a lot of time chanting and praying with Bob and the energy in the house is sacred and lovely?as

Sally said, it would be a wonderful thing if this were to continue and Bob were able to die this

way without having the agitation and rage return that he was experiencing not long ago. We

have no way of knowing what will come, but can continue to pray and offer whatever we can to

the process; whether in person or from afar. Making Sally laugh felt really good, there needs to

be room for laughter and joy at such a time?remembering that it?s not irreverent to laugh in the

face of death.

?

Jan. 19?

Sally:

Dear all?on Wednesday afternoon Bob went to bed at 4:30 and the next day I was not able

to arouse him, he has been semi-comatose/sleeping since, and is now actively dying. Rinpoche

is in Bodhgaya and is offering prayers along with 3000 other monks and tulkus. I am piecing

together necessary details while supporting his process. I will keep you posted?

?

Jan. 20?

Sally:

?Konchog (Ven. Konchog Norbu) is here and is staying for the duration, he is in the room

with Bob chanting, we are so blessed, please come when you can, much love to all..Bob

still comfortable?hospice came this morning?

?

Jan. 20?

A sangha member:

This afternoon at Sally and Bob?s house, it was clear that Bob?s condition has declined

dramatically since I last saw him?The earth and water elements appear to have dissolved, Bob

continues his journey toward the bardos.

Konchog, who arrived last night, is staying at the house. I found him seated at Bob?s bedside,

reading aloud from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. During the afternoon, Bob and Sally?s

daughters and families arrived. While strong winds blow through the surrounding hills and

forest, the air within the house is still and rich with compassion, acceptance and strength. When

I told Bob that he was in Rinpoche?s prayers from Bhodgaya, his reaction was immediate and

unmistakable.

It?s clear that Bob is an extremely fortunate being. Sally?s immense courage, great heart, and

dedication to the dharma have allowed this gentle soul to leave this world with unmatched love

and support. We are privileged to be able to share in their journey.

?

Jan. 21

Konchog:

Bob passed so peacefully in the lion posture at 7:41pm EST, on this, the 10th day of Guru

Rinpoche. Just before he passed, his eyes, which had been closed for days, opened, directed

at the candle Rinpoche had told us to place in his view, set up as an offering to an image of

Amitabha in Dewachen. A light snow had just begun to fall. Sally and the two children they had

together were here, emotional, but holding it together pretty well. After his last breath, I lightly

tapped at his fontanel, said Amitabha?s name many times, and sang his mantra. I then read

the Heart Sutra and Karma Chagmed?s ?Prayer to be Reborn in Dewachen,? made incense and

light offerings with Atisha?s extensive light offering prayer, and all of us together did the simple

reading for the first three days of death. Now we are notifying various people while a lovely

recording of the Mani mantra plays for Bob.

?

Sally had already arranged for Bob?s body to remain undisturbed for 3 days

before being removed for cremation, so when he died the stove was shut down and the

window opened to invite the chill air. The vigil began. Over the next 3 days, Konchog

and Sally remained a steady presence while others from our sangha and from Sally

and Bob?s family came and went, taking turns snugged in a heavy coat or wrapped in

a blanket to sit with Bob?s body. The sacred space that Sally had prepared for Bob was

now fiercely cold and yet magically warm and inviting; lit with candles, fragrant with

incense. Bob?s body, too, was a comforting presence rather than something strange or

off-putting. Outside the open window, chimes hanging from the eaves lightly sounded in

the breeze. On Wednesday night, 2 days after his outer breath had ceased, our sangha

met at Sally and Bob?s house as a group and sat together with Bob?s body. Konchog led

us in the specific prayers that Rinpoche instructed us to use.

?

On Friday the body was removed for cremation and on Saturday, January 23,

a ceremony of remembrance was held for Bob at the Manchester Shambhala Center,

lovingly adorned for the occasion. The service was a simple, moving event filled with

prayers and ritual befitting the final days of Bob?s life. As with all aspects of Bob?s

passing, the day itself was auspicious, being the full moon Amitabha day. The room

was packed; some guests on cushions, others in chairs or standing, squeezed in

and familiar with one another if only for the hour. Many had never been to a Buddhist

ceremony of any kind; if they felt awkward upon arrival their awkwardness quickly gave

way to a sense of openness and peaceful acceptance. Toddlers wandered through

the crowd, laughing and chattering. Babies were held gently in loving arms. The sense

that we were all being held in fact, was much like the moment at the retreat when Bob

received his blessing from Rinpoche. When nothing separates who we are from what

we do, everything is sacred. Dharma readings and prayers, music, poetry and loving

words mingled as deeply as the styles and hearts of the people in attendance. People

remarked later on that it was like being suspended in time.

?

Bob and Sally?s daughter, Sam, read the words that Sally had written for the?ceremony:

?I would just like to share a little about these last weeks, which have been sad, but also peaceful

?and filled with love. When Bob was in the hospital I was told over and over that he needed to

?be in a nursing home. I got very, very close to putting him in one. I struggled daily with the

?decision but after visiting a nursing home, I realized I couldn?t do this, I couldn?t not bring

?Bob home. So on January third we brought him home, against doctors? advice. He was weak

?and disoriented and was brought home by ambulance. Bobby and I cuddled into bed with him;

?and we were smiling to each other, saying over and over ?you?re home.? Bob was so visibly

happy. Please understand that for someone with Alzheimer?s, it?s hard to show emotion. It?s

all blurred. He knew he was home, that is, he was safe, with family, with us. If he?d been in a

?nursing home, we would have lost him. We would have lost anything of him that we could pull

?back, that we could touch. It would?ve been gone.

?

In these last weeks he seemed to become more lucid, more present, even though

?his ability to communicate was diminished to only a word or two, he seemed softened.

?On Monday the 7th we laid in bed together and we talked; again, you have to understand

?he had lost the ability to speak in sentences of more than one or two words. We talked

?about Alzheimer?s and he said, ?it?s killing me?. I asked him whether he wanted to continue

?to fight this or whether he wanted to just be home, no more hospitals? He said home? I

?said to him a couple of times, ?do you understand what I am saying?? and he said ?yes.? I

?repeated, ?do you understand what I am saying?? and again he said ?yes.? ?later I helped

?him walk out into the living room and when we sat down Bob looked over at me and said, ?talk

?more?? I said to him, ?do you want to fight this, ?cause I will do anything in my power if that is

what you want,??. He nodded his head yes. He immediately looked alarmed and then said to me

?so very clearly ?other, other.? So I said, ?do you just want me to support you spiritually?? His

?face visibly relaxed and he said ?yes, yes??

?

Over the course of the next week Bob stopped eating solids. He slept more and more. On

Wednesday of last week he slipped into a semi-coma. We were told by hospice that he

?probably had less than a week. On Saturday night, Konchog came to be with us and began

?chanting and saying prayers throughout the day and late into the evening. On Monday night

?Bob peacefully died at home with Bobby, Sam, Konchog and I at his side. We continued to say

?prayers for him for the next three days after his passing.

?

This has been an incredible journey; one with acceptance, rawness, beauty, and love, I can?t

?put it all into words. When I was younger I loved Dylan Thomas?s poem ?Do Not Go Gentle into

?That Good Night?, but today?I stand here, older, and a little wiser. Death had always seemed

?a great mystery, full of fear and sadness. Bob has shown us grace, courage and a deep knowing.

?Together with my children and grandchildren we have cried, and laughed, and sobbed and

?prayed and we have learned that this great rite of passage holds unbridled compassion.?

?

After the service, Sally and her family threw a fine party. The Bob I knew was

fond of saying, ?I?m Irish.? He would attach this addendum to the increasingly abstract

things he came up with that nonetheless made perfect sense. We?d be pondering the

dharma and Bob would just come out with something so strangely yet perfectly put

together that we knew exactly what he meant but would be hard pressed to explain it. A

sort of Alzheimer?s koan, if you will. Then he?d get that twinkle in his eye and say, ?Hey,

I?m Irish.? So although he didn?t have the traditional Irish wake, Bob didn?t leave without

a celebration in his honor. Afterwards, we all went home, one by one, back to our lives,

leaving Sally to hers and yet not. The inevitable grace of the sangha remains because

that?s how it is, that?s how it works.

?

?and on January 28th, seven days after Bob?s passing, as I was sitting on the deck early

?one morning, after a deep snow, a small finch lit upon my shoulder. om mani padme hum.

?-Sally Leonard, East Dorset,?Vermont

?

Anyen Rinpoche?s book,?Dying with Confidence?includes Rinpoche?s heart advice to support practitioners through the dying process. ?The Dying with Confidence training program will give students the guidance and opportunity to master all the skills necessary for a practitioner to use death as an opportunity for enlightenment and to help all sentient beings.?The next Level I Training will be held September 26-30, 2013 in Denver, CO.

For more information and an application:?http://www.phowafoundation.org/PFCrestone%202012.php

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Source: http://www.anyenrinpoche.com/blog/2013/02/19/the-passing-of-a-dharma-friend/

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